Valeron Draconis
You know, every day I see terrible MySpace profiles and just when you think they can’t get any worse, you find one like this: Valeron Draconis. God, it makes me want to end my own life.
Oh, the horrific imagery
I’ve been on the Internets long enough to have seen lots of people like this guy. Ok, ok, you’re a vampire. Ok, you like to suck blood and be dominated. Ok, you’re middle aged and kinda gross. I’ll tolerate it. Yay, America. Yay, freedom. Wave a little flag. Yay.
That still doesn’t mean that I don’t find his vampire studio photographs of him and his “mistress” horribly nauseating. Photo after photo after photo, shoved in our faces, as if we have the time to scroll and scrutinize all 437 of them. There are over 6 megabytes of photos on this profile. Anyone on a regular modem would have to wait until their first child goes off to college before it’s done downloading.
It’s called editing and you need to think about it. No, longer than that. Keep thinking. Good …
Beware the music!
Being subjected to everyone’s crappy taste in music is one reason why MySpace sucks so bad, and this this psychotic wanker is no exception - Eurotrash vampire techno.
Oh no he didn’t!
It is so bad.
The good thing about most people’s profiles is that you can quickly find and shut off their crappy music player before it starts to hurt. (Plus, it’s fun to do this every time you visit page. Really. Redundant, repetitious clicking is fun. Keep it up, you derelicts.)
Our beloved Valeron, however, has his music player virtually hidden amongst the vampiric excrement that litters his page. I’ve gouged my eyeballs on his site at least 15 times now and it still takes me until the bloodcurdling scream to find the stop button.
Just call him B-Rad
Valeron stupidly ruins the mystique surrounding his profile with this blurb:
BOO! In case you want to know my real life name is Brad. You can call me Brad, B-Rad, Valeron, or Val! I like them all!
Right on, B-Rad! Keep on being … RAD! I was a little scared of this guy until I read that. He also mentions he’s been hanging out in Laverne, CA and then I was just laughing out loud (aka LOLing).
Redeeming Qualities
Despite his insanely terrible choice of background music, Valeron has a superb selection of classic metal listed on his page:
Iron Maiden, Scorpions, Rammstein, Judas Priest, Queensryche, Rush, Metallica, Black Sabbath, Dio, Def Leppard, Loudness, Triumph, Lacuna Coil, Ozzy, Fates Warning, Lizzy Borden, Ratt, Motley Crue, Poison, Black ‘N Blue, Skid Row, Tesla, Riot, Armored Saint, Dokken, Great White, Keel, WASP, and more.
F*ck yeah. Great White? Skid Row? Dio? Oh, baby. That is teh sweetness.
[I would also like to point out that there is a band called Lizzy Borden, named after a girl who splattered her parents with an ax back in 1800’s. She was ultimately acquitted of the crime because of some sensational BS, despite overwhelming circumstantial evidence against her. Anyhoo, this would be the equivalent of naming your band O.J. Simpson, which I hope someone does if they haven’t already. ]
Conclusion and Suggestions
Probably just a goofy pencil pusher with an alter ego. Yay, America.
Lose the endless vomit of images, the terrible red skull background and the techno. Don’t wear fishnet shirts. Post more photos of you biting hot, naked chicks.
January 16th, 2006 at 5:40 am
Dude, how could you let his Mistress slip on this? I mean, a quick look at her supremely appalling profile seems to indicate that she’s the one responsible for all his nonsense in the first place! In particular lots of the (cough) artwork…
Leaving the url of my myspace profile somehow seems appropriately clueless.
January 19th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
All fine and good that you have your own opinions because that at least shows a glimmer of independent thought. Sadly that is where it ends. I don’t know what is worse really, the guy who you soundly thrashed in your posting or you for being so judgemental. Where do you get off and what makes you so much better a person? I wonder what you would find if you turned that high power microscope you use on others on yourself for a change. Oooohhhh shiver. Anyway, you should probably get away from the computer a little bit more if this is what your life has come to.
With little or no respect,
A U.S. Soldier
“I may not agree with what you say but I will defend with my life your right to say it.”
January 19th, 2006 at 4:39 pm
Band of Brothers was sweet. Did anyone else like that series?
January 21st, 2006 at 6:37 pm
burn
January 24th, 2006 at 1:37 pm
wait, so does this guy like vampires?
January 28th, 2006 at 12:24 am
I think it’s funny that his myspace says that he likes Friends and Sex in the City. I’m imagining this guy and his mistress sitting in front of the tube, giggling at Joey’s crazy antics.
Might I point at that someone taking the time to criticize someone’s page by leaving angry comments is probably just as bored and conceited as the person he is attacking. And why is it relevant whether you’ve served in the military? Does being a soldier make your opinions more valid? And isn’t that argument in fact challenging his “right to say it”?
Let’s learn how to laugh at ourselves, please.
January 28th, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Dear Lindsey,
No, far from conceited miss, and as far as bored goes…. nah, I stumbled upon this “gem” of intellect by accident in an attempt to find a background for a myspace page. Are my opinions more valid because I am a soldier… I guess not, but I sure as hell am proud to be one. And lastly, if you think my tone in my first post was angry then you are sadly mistaken. As we all know (at least people of mild intelligence know anyway) tone can not always be determined in a persons writing. So please step away from a conversation that you are obviously ill-equiped to handle.
PS- I laugh at MY own stupidity daily, but yours is SO much richer.
January 29th, 2006 at 12:07 am
Yes, Lindsey. His tone was clearly not angry, you sadly mistaken fool. That’s why he registered as “gotohell@dumbasspeople.net”.
He’s also clearly more intelligent than you; so intelligent, in fact, that you were invited to “step away from the conversation” (and not in a condescending manner, I might add). As we all well know, intelligent people *hate* to entertain alternative viewpoints and engage in debate. For such insolence, you have unleashed the wrath of Ad Hominem Attacks upon yourself - a penalty you should accept gladly in light of the egregious stupidity you demonstrated in your post.
Well, maybe you can understand this: Step off, dawg.
OHHHH SNAP!
January 29th, 2006 at 6:12 am
LOL well met, I stand corrected and apologize for my rude comments. But just for the record, your post was really really good until you said “Dawg”. Word G I am gonna hang wit da hommies in redneck middle America. No further posts from me, good day to you all.
Sincerely,
Humble
March 2nd, 2006 at 1:58 pm
i wanna see more goth kids on myspace…more fake ones or something.
March 6th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Yea sure, this guy has some issues. We know just by looking at his profile. Hes obviously a homosexual, but why ***** and whine about it? WHO GIVES A ****! wow your pissing me off more and more with every second i take looking at this gay website. Work sux btw, this is what happens when you work the graveyard shift at a pharmacy, forced to be so bored that you read bullshit like this website.
March 14th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
Hey, um…Rob, how is this guy obviously a homosexual? I mean….well, damn. I really don’t know how to respond to that. I guess I’m just a little bit confused as to how you made the cognitive jump from “vampire” to “homosexual.” Care to clarify?
April 8th, 2006 at 1:43 am
Mike, such perception is only possible by teenage minds, once you get older than 16… you just can’t see it…
June 9th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
I think if you have a picture with the current leader of [and grandson of the founding father of] The Church of Satan, than all creepiness is voided, but this guy might just be an exception.
June 30th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Actually, Lizzie Borden didn’t kill her parents. Although its true that her trial and the investigation of the double homocide case was tampered with due to Lizzie’s relatively high social status–it was only to prevent people from finding out that her Father’s illegitimate son was actually responsible for the murder of Lizzie’s father and step-mother. I would suggest you read Brown’s book: Lizzie Borden; The Legend, the Truth, and the Final Chapter.
October 21st, 2006 at 7:34 pm
Re: Rob
Ever heard of entertainment? Comedy? Ever seen a roast, or stand up comedy? Why a re stand-up comedians rich? They’re funny. Why are they funny? They make fun of people. And you know what? This site is amusing to read. Maybe not to you, but not everyone is interested in the same things. And who ever said he was homosexual? You just pulled that out of nowhere.
I apologise if there are any mistakes in this comment, my keyboard doesn’t work right. I am done now.
July 19th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Now for fecks sake, one photo of this man in tight fitting vampire attire and ridiculous contact lenses is enough, why in Jebus’s name would anyone, ANYONE feel the need to post about 56 mostly identical pictures of themselves in homo erotic states?