Charlie
Today, we’re going to talk about Vanity. First of all, Jesus said that Vanity is a deadly sin, and he carved this sin along with nine others on a couple of stone tablets after God yelled at him for, uh, something.
Then there was a flood. OF BLOOD. Just kidding! It was Kool Aid.
But anyway, clearly Vanity is Bad for all the reasons stated above. Ok, good, we’ve clearly established a fact around which the rest of this article will be based. This is what we smart people call a “thesis statement”. (Dummies: No reason to even try to comprehend what’s going on here. Just read along with your smart friends and try to LOL when they do.)
Background
So I was browsing the Internets the other day, and I came across Charlie’s profile. He’s clearly a Hot Guy, no dispute. I’m very sure that women everywhere would love to make-a make-a some oompa oompa ungh ungh luva luva chow chow to him, if you catch my drift. (Probably some men, too, but that’s Sin #9: Gay Homo Man Love [I can make this joke because I have gay friends.])
My first impression of Charlie was, “What a vain, narcissistic assclown!” But right away, I noticed this:
Damn, dude! My bad!
Now, I should be a nice guy and take his word for it, but I just can’t help but think he is, in fact, a vain assclown. I want to be fair about this, though. In fact, I want to be scientific about it. We already have one scientific fact stated above, so let me continue to build a case for Vanity!
Vanity defined
Okay, look. We can never really prove that Chuckles is vain, nor can we disprove it. We can only gather enough data to support a strong theory, which is defined as “something that is pretty much true if you believe it.” Charlie says he’s not a vain pr*ck, but self-reporting is notoriously prone to bias, so that method is out.
So let’s first look up the definition of vain, shall we?
4. Having or showing undue or excessive pride in one’s appearance or achievements : CONCEITED
Good, good. That pretty much proves he’s vain right there. But let’s continue to build our case for the sake of scienticians everywhere.
EVIDENCE 1: The infinite background face
Where there isn’t rambling text, pictures of his face or a scrolling box showing off his various F**k Me faces, you are treated to a nice page background of … his face. Over and over.
My guess is that if you could continue to scroll the page nonstop, you would see his tiled face until you hit China. If you happened to miss China, you would continue through the other side of the Earth, into space and on until you hit a planet or were picked up by a Space Pimp looking to sell you into intergalatic prostitution.
EVIDENCE 2: Way too many headshots in Pictures section
And it don’t stop!
In the Pictures section, we see image after image of Charlie making sweet, fiery love to the camera. Doing Magnum, or is it Blue Steel? Ooh, there’s a Tom Cruise®*! And look at those overworked abs! Golly!
Many MySpacers have pictures of themselves with friends, snapshots of cool places they’ve been or interesting things they’ve done. But not Chuck. He really seems to take the “MY” part of MySpace very seriously, as in “this is MY f**king Space and there’s no room for anyone else, you f**king losers”.
EVIDENCE 3: Rambling pontification
Chaz seems to know everything there is to know about Love (another Deadly Sin, by the way), and generously pushes his sagacious, unsolicited step-by-step advice upon us all (does anyone else find this incredibly creepy?).
For the guys:
Once you’ve reached the verbalized love stage (and it damn well better be at least 6 months if you want this to be long term) continue to maintain dignity. Do little, occasional surprises but don’t go over the top or she will feel like you are buying her. Don’t create unnecessary drama. Be attentive to her needs. Once in a while she will go out of your way to test you, to make sure you care about her. Give in to these little tests about ½ the time, unless she does it more than monthly. Never fight. Make the most mind-blowing passionate love that you have ever had then do not talk after. Just hold her. Look in her eyes for 20 minutes but don’t verbalize. Be a MAN.
And for the ladies:
Don’t assume that guys won’t care where you are, because we do. It makes us feel secure to know that our girlfriends aren’t off flirting with guys we’ve never heard of. Also, don’t talk about your ex-boyfriends.We never have, nor never will respect or like them, Nor do we want to hear about them.When you do, you’re asking your boyfriend to be jealous. You’re asking your boyfriend to lose trust. On that, don’t hump everything that walks into the room. We don’t care if you’re friends with other guys. But, when you’re sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him, without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off. It doesn’t help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we’re still there.
If this was a Saturday Night Live skit, this monologue would continue with Charles – played by Chris Farley – descending into the continually worsening downward spiral of a jealous, spurned lover, flailing and maniacally raging and cursing the fictitous whore who cheated on him with her ex, chastising himself for IGNORING THE OBVIOUS SIGNS! IDIOT!
Then Farley would crush a cofee table with his huge belly and everyone would laugh. At him, not with him.
Anyway, we’re all really sorry to hear your girl ignored you like you were her retarded little brother, Chuckie. Frowny face!
Conclusion and Suggestions
I could go on, but I will close my case there: Three solid facts supporting my theory that Charlie is a vain assclown. It is now up for YOU to decide for yourselves.
This guy might actually not be the vain dou**ebag that he appears to be, but from his profile I find it impossible not to think he’s a complete tool with all his Zoolander photos and creepy pontificating vomit.
Get rid of all that crap. STFU with your blabber. Stop obsessing over your abs, your square jaw and your cheating girlfriends. BE A MAN.
*Tom Cruise is a wholly owned subsidiary of The Church of Scientology.
January 31st, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Sure he’s cute, that doesn’t make him knowing in the ways of relationships.
This kid is funny, not so much for his vanity, but more so… the deep seated self esteem issues he attempts to mask with the muscle pictures.
I laughed so hard I almost peed when I read “Make the most mind-blowing passionate love that you have ever had then do not talk after. Just hold her. Look in her eyes for 20 minutes but don’t verbalize. Be a MAN.â€
What an idiot. Someone so obviously obsessed with themselves wouldn’t have the first clue how to “have the most mind-blowing passionate loveâ€
This kid needs to leave the relationship advice for the experts, or wait till he is more knowledgeable to spout of bull shit.
January 31st, 2006 at 1:44 pm
This is freakin’ hilarious! Please keep it up, you have me hooked.
January 31st, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Dude, you are crazy funny! The vain guys with their muscle pictures, the vampire nut job, the goth 16 year old who likes the villiage people, and the lack of quality on myspace — so funny. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. You’ve got to find some other people that need tearing apart. Maybe all the emo freaks or the alcoholics that just have to let us know how many bottles they can put away on a given night (I mean seriously, I can drink too, and I don’t care how close to alcohol poisoning you get)? Anyway, keep it up! This is so awsome!
February 1st, 2006 at 12:53 pm
Hilarious. Keep up the good work.
February 1st, 2006 at 6:54 pm
gold.
whats even better is that i get a complete synopsis of this douchebucket without actually viewing this tards face plastered all over my screen. myspace has got to be the worst fucking idea since the autograph section of a yearbook.
how bored are these millions of people to sit around writing about themselves and taking pictures for the sole purpose of uploading them onto a website for either those who already know what they look like to stare at or an attempt to attract or intrigue someone off the FUCKING INTERNET.
you’re not that interesting. no matter what ~**gigglesSTARZ~OMGZhi2U!!**~ tells you.
i can only hope that myspace gets to big for its britches and implodes from all the egos, retards, loneliness, attention whores, and freaks overwhelming the server.
and fuck you, tom.
February 2nd, 2006 at 5:03 pm
hmm..
you assume that this person is ‘vain’ by looking at their …internet profile..?
yeah.
February 2nd, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Hysterical!
I can’t believe (looking over your previous posts) that you’ve had so many trolls. Guess they think you are actually conducting serious research here or something.
February 3rd, 2006 at 3:47 am
LMAO! thank you for amusing the hell out of me. i love this site and will be telling all my friends about it!
my god…this Charlie guy sounds like the most narcisstic guy ever. all this bullshit about knowing how to ‘love a lady’, i bet you he is the biggest player on campus.
February 3rd, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Hey Thank You! I really got a kick out of this. I enjoyed the thoughtful way you critiqued me. Wow when you say it like that it really makes me think….think what your parents must have did to you as a child. lol. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and say you must have just had a bad day or something when you looked at my site and then posted a lengthy blog about little ol me.. I know you’re not really this angry and hateful. I won’t assume the worst about you like you have done(in a moment of weakness)to me. Don’t worry I forgive you. Don’t feel like you have to apologize. All is forgotten! In fact I told all my friends on myspace about it so they could come on over and join the party! I laughed my ass of the whole time! Thanks buddy. Im flatterd, REALLY!! (PEACE)
February 3rd, 2006 at 2:06 pm
haha okay this was funny, not gonna lie
but u must have some insecurities about urself also to just go and judge, not only him, but others the way that you do…
butttttttt have a great day!!!
February 4th, 2006 at 11:47 am
Luckily, Charlie has a great sense of humor. In all honesty, to disseminate psychosis of someone you have never even so much as uttered one word to, says something about you. “Thou Shall not judge lest he be judged.” While you’re looking at the “speck of wood in his eye, you have a whole plank in yours.” However witty your banters are, you maliciously exploit people’s flaws. Sardonicism is severely obnoxious and absolutely disastrous socially. For you to pontificate on what’s sinful or not, you’d seem less of a hypocrite if you weren’t spewing God’s law with malevolence toward Charlie. Could it be that you are inadvertently revealing your envy(another deadly sin)? It’s just a thought, only a thought.
February 4th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Lolita, I just received another transmission from God. He says you aren’t getting into heaven.
HA HA! Sucks to be you!
February 4th, 2006 at 6:27 pm
seriously. If I wanted a sermon I’d have gone to church. Who gives a fuck about Revelations 200:14 or whatever. Mr. Nutz is funny. Mr. Nuts is the reason why people out there like Howard Stern make millions of dollars entertaining millions of people. He says what’s on his mind and doesn’t care what people think. Thanks for making me laught for 3 minutes. I had a good time.
lolita isn’t getting into heaven because she has a whorish name.
February 4th, 2006 at 7:38 pm
Thoroughly entertaining! You should do a daily myspace critique on the soon-to-be antimyspace site. It would be too perfect. So- when did narcissism become a good thing? I just don’t understand how all these people walk around in an air of social insecurity, sensitive self-deprecating emo-whatever and then go home and have a team me love fest on the computer. !!! Go find a mirror, jerk off and give the rest of us a break! No wonder Bush is running our country. I mean ruining.
February 5th, 2006 at 6:03 am
why is poohead lolita so dense to actually believe that you couldn’t possibly form an accurate opinon of someone based on an online amateur autobiography? wouldn’t reading someones own interpretation of themselves be the perfect basis for judging them? if its credible enough for him to believe it, then it should work for the rest of us too.
its not fault of ours that he looks at himself through rose colored glasses and forfeits the scope of reality.
and God said stfu, you embarrass him
February 5th, 2006 at 11:10 am
LOL, sticks and stones…
February 5th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
This is good stuff. Worth quite a few laughs.
homeydaclown: You’re right. Read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink. With such a small/short sample, it’s possible to judge things/people really accurately.
leelee: You’re right too! Holy crap, it’s like everyone says something right on here (except Lolita). It’s interesting how people seem to need to make 500+ friends on myspace. Sad too. It’s exactly like highschool, and that’s scary.
Keep up the good work. You should let people submit some people to critique maybe.
February 6th, 2006 at 11:26 pm
“I’m not vain.” HAHAHAHAHA! That’s a riot.
February 8th, 2006 at 9:09 am
This is hilarious… Hopefully I never end up on your site..LOL
February 8th, 2006 at 10:27 am
Homeydaclown sounds like he is mad because he didnt have anyone sign the “autigraph” section of his yearbook. Awwwww here is something for your hurt feelings… one million tons of compressed I don’t give a shit. Myspace, although quite insane as it has become, was intended to be a place for “friends” to keep in touch and show pictures of what they have been up too. It only stands to reason that you hate myspace, and rightly so, because you have no friends. Highschool all over again isnt it?
February 8th, 2006 at 2:14 pm
hahahah
i don’t know which is funnier….your attempt at analyzing my opinion on something as pathetic as myspace…or your obvious attempt at making yourself feel better about being apart of such a pathetic community.
if you need myspace as a form for staying in touch with your friends…i’d say you probably have too many friends you made off the internet or those people really don’t want to be your friend or they would “keep in touch” with you by way of telephone or even IN PERSON…whhhooaaaa.
but you’re right…i didn’t let anyone sign my yearbook. nobody is interesting or important enough then…or now for that matter
but thank god you have eleventeen billion friends on your myspace…you sure showed me
February 9th, 2006 at 4:29 am
Nah, sorry only have 30 friends on myspace and they are all people I grew up with or people that I know who are deployed overseas. You see because although you may have never moved from your home town, many of us have moved and gotten on with our lives. As such, it isn’t always as simple as picking up a phone or meeting in person. Nice try at a comeback though but next time try harder and pit a little thought into it. Have a good day.
February 21st, 2006 at 1:11 am
Myspace: a place for tools and whores to hang out next to unsuspecting(albeit clueless) teens. A place for your beloved partner to pretend you don’t exist in the name of making friends while jerking off. A place to hardstroke your ego or destroy someone else’s. Fake friends does not a cool person make. How can a person claim to blissfully track down old friends blind to everything else going on? Kids are being stalked in their rooms. Adults are hooking up to have self-consumed sex and influencing kids thoughts on how to be. It’s not something to be proud of and no one’s owning this shit because they’re too caught up tracking down the latest piece of crap someone’s spewing. Or showing.
MYSPACE SUCKS. Pins, mugs, tees available at http://www.cafepress/myspacesucks.com. Don them with pride.
March 2nd, 2006 at 3:19 pm
people are freakin priceless.
March 6th, 2006 at 1:18 am
Wow, i didnt know that people WOULD ACTUALLY CARE to take the time to post something SO fucking stupid (i’m NOT talking about charlie). I see absolutely nothing wrong with his profile, what pisses me off is that some asshole with no life decided to spend an hour or two making a retarded website just to bitch about profiles that he finds “vain.” I mean seriously WHO GIVES A FUCK! Cause i sure as hell dont and i dont know why anyone else would. If you have a fucking problem with Charlie then message him personally and bitch to him about it, dont make a fucking webpage bitching about it.
March 7th, 2006 at 6:25 am
AMEN BROTHER!!! Speak the word!
March 15th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
lmao…funny profile there.
March 19th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
thats like totally chessy!!!!
March 20th, 2006 at 11:54 am
My professional opinion is that “Whatever” and “Rob” both have copious amounts of sand in their vaginass…Know whats sadder than a dude that makes a website poking fun at peoples myspace profiles? The people that become so offended by said site that they write in to bitch about it and get verbally ass raped. If i knew either of you i would have taken a huge watery dump in your hair as you sleep loooong ago.
March 20th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
When did it become ok to be mean and rude and condescending? Everyone is entitled to their opinion…mine happens to be that if you can’t be nice…then bite your tongue…bite it off if you have to!
March 20th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Brooke -
For reference – just to name a few – please see:
If that doesn’t answer your question, please do a Google search for “What is the Internet?”.
(Google is a search engine.)
March 23rd, 2006 at 12:27 pm
probably around the same time that it became ok to display how much of a festering arse pimple you are to the entire world. (This is probably also around the same time when it became ok to give motherly advice to complete strangers on the internet and not expect to be raped in the pooper for it)
Neat, huh?
May 6th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
Wow, this guy never shuts up. Is he really in grad school? Becuase just about every other word on his space is misspelled. He now has a link to himself on your page by the way. Is his band called Horse Back Riding? Or is that an error too?
May 6th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
Gee talk about refreshing an old post…
BTW Mr. Nutz, I love reading Maddox’s stuff, too damn funny, I keep his page in faves, though he hasn’t posted an update other than for his Alphabet of Manliness book due out in June.
May 10th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
When a guy that ‘hot’ gives you advice, you all best listen!! I plan to use some of his modeling poses in my next photoshoot
June 2nd, 2006 at 8:40 am
what an ass.
June 2nd, 2006 at 8:53 am
hey check it out 2 shelby, but you mispelled 2 words on your rip about Dr Rosenblat, who rules, I might add!!!!!
June 2nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
oh shit i think i mispelled, mispelled, did I???
June 2nd, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Looks like a total date rapist to me.
June 2nd, 2006 at 9:27 pm
don’t u just love how they change their site after it’s been on here?
July 7th, 2006 at 9:24 pm
adults need to have their mean humor once in a while. i think a big problem here is that the average myspace user is in the agegroup doesn’t get the lightness of this site because they are still immersed in the world of hurt feelings and backstabbing…
some unfortunate folks never find their way out of this world. most people however, reach an age where they are able to accept multiple conditions of exsistence at once… like the idea that one person can run a really mean website where they make fun of people for exposing themselves (ha ha, literally and figuratively!!), but probably be an okay person. charlie, on the other hand, seems really vain, vapid, and bitter if you go by his profile, but also turned out to be an okay person. how can this be???
there are some important lessons on this page. when you are presenting an image of yourself to the whole world, it is completely your decision how you choose to represent yourself, but you have to accept the consequences. charlie, much more so than those who immediately changed their background or privatized their profile, has taken a very noble and brave approach to criticism. i don’t like his page or ideas at all, and i would make fun of him myself given different circumstances, but dude stands behind his image, and that’s something.
July 10th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
I find it funny how the Internet allows people to efficiently offend large groups of people with the least amount of effort, whether on accident or on purpose. I think people need to understand that the Internet is a weapon of mass creation in the sense that it spawns so much conversation, discussion, and inane babble and it should be considered a munition in all cases. There should be a license to use the Internet, you should have to take a test, but then again entertainment wouldn’t be the same and all of the 5 people who passed the test would be bored. I also find it intriguing that some people still don’t understand that it makes you sound 100% more credible if you spell check what you write before posting it. I think there would be less rape of the figurative anus if such were the case, but indeed it is in vane.
July 21st, 2006 at 8:07 am
I’m wondering why Charlie is in my extended network! i really must be more careful who I chat to online…
July 27th, 2006 at 4:47 pm
hey worst of myspace guy!! i just noticed that charlie actually mentions you on his own blog in myspace, and his friends reassure him that you are a jealous hater. i guess you are jealous of all these people and their fabulous fabulous lives and abs. especially the fat, bearded dude.
October 27th, 2006 at 10:38 pm
“hi im one of those people who likes to bad mouth other people i like to judge everything they do and tell them that their stupid, i know these things cause obviously im right and obviously im better then them” if this is you then FUCK YOU!…. ANY body else who bad mouths about charlie or anyone on this site is going to hell especially who ever the fuck wrote this crap, you are the worst kind of shit on this planet. you are an individual on this earth with the rest of use just trying to get buy, and you insist on making other people’s lives miserable, i hope for your sake your family loves you cause god doesnt.
oh dear…? gramer and spelling mistakes. im a dummie!!! WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK
you were asking for it d!ck weed!
October 27th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
p.s.
you suck
October 27th, 2006 at 10:57 pm
p.p.s.
you really suck
October 27th, 2006 at 11:07 pm
you are hell spawn you deserve to die you love the cock in you ass ha ha hahaha you smell funny your eyes are made of poo you look like a train hit your ass and continued out your mouth you have no soul your stomach is filled with viles of acid and it just mellted through the lining and now your spilling its contents all over your lovers face who happens to be your mother and now you dead again.
have a safe trip to hell. even if you dont post this i hope you get the idea that you are a bad person and theirs no place on earth for you.
October 27th, 2006 at 11:09 pm
im guessing your republican
October 27th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
I begining to belive that theirs no such thing as genuinely good people.
October 27th, 2006 at 11:11 pm
im already in hell because of people like you
October 28th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Too bad. So sad.
October 28th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
Oh, and someone should call the paramedics. “i hate you all” is having another episode.
November 24th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
Aw… November 24th, 2006:
Charlie deleted his profile!
November 25th, 2006 at 5:57 pm
Thank god! that’s one date rapist less in myspace.
February 12th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Gee…I wonder why….
March 17th, 2007 at 6:12 am
FWIW, his page has been completely changed…
June 1st, 2007 at 6:26 pm
^^^ Yea, I think he closed his account and then someone else took the url. It’s a totally different guy now.