The Worst of MySpace*

View K-Fed’s profile | View archived snapshot

Yes, I know he’s an easy target, but I couldn’t help doing a piece on everyone’s favorite Baby’s Daddy, Kevin Federline!! At some point during his lifelong quest to impregnate, leech from and abandon as many famous women as he possibly could, ol’ K-Fed decided to have a spontaneous music career. Thus, his MySpace profile was birthed (via anus) into this world.

It looks like his allowance is running short, though, because he can apparently only afford to have one of his stoned sub-leeching monkeys to manage the profile. Hey, K - maybe you shouldn’t have spent so much on Cristal, trucker hats and bribes to get the bouncers to let you into VIP.

Remember When Camo Was Cool?

First, camouflage is probably one of the worst backgrounds you can have for text. It doesn’t take a genius to know that camouflage is intended to disguise shapes that are easily recognizable to the human eye, like bad-ass jungle commandos, rappers, or in this case, words.

A striking coincidence!

Second, I remember when camo-everything was cool, and I think I was about seven years old at the time. Today, it takes a special touch to pull off camo style, and there are only a select few that can do it.

Mr. Fed - you are not one of these people.

But, wait. Maybe the camo is intentional. Maybe it’s to hide the constant flow of dissess that are slathered across his profile. Or maybe it’s to give focus to the most rhythmic pile of goat feces known to man in the upper right part of his page.

Music To Shake Your Baby To

As if we didn’t have enough no-talent club hits that all sound exactly the same, this buttmonster gives us the brilliant, multi-layered “PopoZao”, which means something along the lines of “juicy ass” in Portuguese.

Britney loves the new song.

Surprise, surprise! A song that’s hyper-focused on ASS. “Art” imitates life, indeed.

What makes Fed-Fed a Brazilian gigolo all of a sudden is a mystery - he’s probably no more down with the Brazilian community than he is down with the Black community. Or the alimony-paying community.

Now I can see this song being a big hit on Brazilian Night at your local trashy club, or maybe as a remix in select Eastern European cities - Bratislava comes to mind - but as a hit in the US market … well, it’s hard to judge. After all, The Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps” is one of the most vile, no-talent wastes of radio play time in recorded history, but it’s somehow managed to hump its way to the upper levels of Billboard’s Hot 100 for the last 25 weeks.

… And the Fans Go Wild.

One of the most frank, yet delicately-worded comments on his new site design is this one by Jaye (expletives bleeped by me):

F**KING FIX THIS GOD DAMN PIECE OF SH*T PAGE YOU CALL MY SPACE! I CAN’T F**KING READ ANY OF THIS DAMN HATE MAIL YOU GET! F**K F**K F**K F**K F**K F**K!

And just for emphasis, her comment repeats 12 times. But don’t just take Jaye’s word for it. K-Fed himself is a huge fan of his own song. Just check out this video:

That’s FIRE! My favorite part is about 60% through the clip - right after he’s doing his impression of a tyrannosaurus rex with cerebral palsy - when he lets loose with a nasally ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa like the douchiest of d*uchebags. To think that any woman would even consider marrying K-Fed, let alone sleep with him, makes me want to kill children.

I mean, that sound alone is a deal breaker right there. I don’t care how hot you are; you make a sound like that in front of a girl and you best shoot yourself in the d*ck, because word will get around. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

Conclusion and Suggestions

Kevin Federline just plain sucks: he’s a moron, his music is complete crap, he’s a leech and he’s setting up baby franchises across America faster than McDonald’s. Still, he must have something going for him since the hottest slut since Madonna let him drop a line in her water.

The MS Paint background has got to go, plus you need to train your Monkey to edit the endless flow of trash-talking that litters your profile. Or consider saving your allowance for some PR representation.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 5th, 2006 at 12:21 pm and is filed under Celebs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.