Daily Worst: Brandon
What the hell is up with scary dudes? When did it become cool to sport a shaved head, wife-beater and guns? When did looking like a neo-Nazi become a cool thing? Was I asleep that day in Cool Class? And you can bet your ass I never missed Cool Class.
I also never miss Cool Whip, Kool and the Gang, LL Cool J and Cool Runnings when it’s on.
Today’s Worst is a scary dude, Brandon and I’m honestly hoping he doesn’t figure out who I am and come kill me.
A different kind of scary
Cool things I never miss
Skulls! A bloody hand print! A foreboding blurb! An ominous Mudvayne song! A photo of Brandon sporting a pump-action shotgun and AR-15 assault rifle! These are scary things, but I’m not talking scary like in a Valeron Draconis sort of way. I’m talking like in the Federal-authorities-have-you-on-a-secret-watch-list kind of way. Which, I guess, can be kinda flattering in some respect.
Still, I can’t look at that bloody hand print without thinking “WIIIIIIIILLLLSOOOOOOOOOOON!”
Chicks dig hitmen
Check out the classic quote from a presumably new lady friend on Brandon’s profile that sums up the mindless idiocy of MySpace friend collecting:
Nice to meet you…why all the bloodshed….
God, girls are stupid.
Now follow that link under Blurbs and you get to Hitman Professional Killings. Whoever did this site needs some serious funny lessons (Hey, that’s a paradox, right?).
Sure, it’s a joke site (I hope), but it’s way too realistic to be humorous. There are detailed descriptions of assassination methods, which means someone has actually studied this. I mean, hey, everyone’s got to make a living, but this site is totally killing my buzz (morphine buzz, if you were wondering).
Conclusions and Suggestions
I’m really hoping Brandon gets laid every now and then. Also hoping he’s not like Steve Buscemi’s character in Billy Madison, with the list and lipstick and everything. But he is trying to reach out, I think. Under Who I’d Like to Meet he lists “SD” in some cool Olde English script, which I’m assuming stands for Scary Dudes.
Gotta start somewhere.
Everyone else: Talk in a calm voice if you ever run into Brandon. Mention how great life is. Wear Kevlar.
March 3rd, 2006 at 11:35 am
Why does MySpace make it cool to be a poser?
First of all this guy has some lame quiz (what months were you born) which details how shy, and musically talented he is. Come on he’s a Pisces , you should just call him fish.
Love the pictures where he’s holding the big guns, but I think someone is over compensating???
Hey come to think of it, I think I saw this guy at Happy Nails getting a manicure last week, Go figure, I guess you’ve got to be well groomed when you want to be a hit man.
I think he secretly watches Ron Popeil infomercials.
Have a great Friday!
March 6th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
you all need to shut the fuck up. you dont even know him. i know him and he is nothing like what ya’ll are saying. so get your facts straight and find something better to do with your time. you fucking cock suckers.
March 6th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
is he holding one of his guns to your head making you say that?
your friend is an idiot….and you’re an idiot for even trying to come to his rescue.
can’t take the sh1t?? get off the interent c u next tuesday
March 7th, 2006 at 6:57 pm
Yo fucktard; get your facts straight. SD stands for Satan’s Disciples. And it wasn’t Happy Gilmore; it was Billy Madison. Elementary shit, but who’s expecting you to know, Mr. I’m So Perfect. Fuck you, fuck this site, and fuck your dumb ass thoughts.
March 9th, 2006 at 7:55 am
quit your whining, you emo faggot
get your cry towel and got sit in the fucking corner
March 13th, 2006 at 6:40 pm
As taken directly from his “updated” page, about me section:
Attractive personality.sexy. Affectionate.Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented.Loves special things. Moody.
I’m not even going to start in on the numerous typos, nor the vile grammar, excessive punctuation, or even the borderline homoerotic traits he’s listed. I never imagined that one could contradict themself as many times as this guy has. Some of the descriptions need translating, so I’ve generously done so. Sensitive to others, easily angered (translation: i have an inferiority complex), trustworthy (translation: I’m a liar but), revengeful(translation continued: if you squeal, I’ll kill you), loves attention, hasty decisions in choosing partners (translation: anything he can get his grubby hands on), musically talented (translation: unh unh yo yo yo dawg DIE DIE DIE SATAN HELLFIRE! — need I say more?), and last but not least….. *Drumrollllll* moody. I’m sorry, but… Anyone who truly has all of the traits that he has so ingeniously defined needs to be in a straight jacket and padded cell. This statement is further proven by the testimony of “Yo Mama” in a previous post, “SD stands for Satan’s Disciples” — Charming, to say the least. This guy’s a real winner, I advise you ladies who find bald, disgruntled and semi-muscular ghetto-satanic (“ghettanic” as I call them) thugs with illegal artillery, sensitivity to others, and moodiness to shy away from this schizophrenic. I’m sure you value the brains(or lack thereof) in your head enough to stay out of this big bad hitman’s sights. And to those of you who are insulting the author for insulting someone else, what does that make you? Unintelligent, to say the least. I have a suggestion for you. It’s the cool thing, the popular thing for all of you non-conformist emos to do… http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=manly_suicide
And just to clarify, we’re not perfect, nor do we claim to be. Grow up, you douche.
March 14th, 2006 at 5:09 am
THe dude’s gay, and just hasn’t figured it out yet. I’ve seen it a million times. Just look at the photos of him and all his “dangerous” friends… they all look like punks to me.(I’ve actually downloaded some of these hilarious pics for joke postings!) Shit, this dude LOOKS like one of MY punks)- I’m 37 now, and I did 9 years for various things, and trust me- guys like this idiot come through the door every day thinking they’re all hard- there’s a whole generation of these TV babies- and it was hilarious and sad to watch them get beat down and punked out on a daily basis…. ESPECIALLY the Brandons- Wiggers coming in acting like “bruthuhs”.
You aren’t “hard” in your early twenties. It just ain’t possible. It just shows you’re stupid to those of us who might actually BE “dangerous”. We do our DAMNEDEST not to advertise it, generally.
BTW- I was down for armed robbery, kidnapping (in the robbery), ADW, etc. etc. Drug money. I had a little bi-coastal Heroin (White in the east, tar in the West) problem. I got away with at least twenty of them for which I was never charged (can’t remember, exactly). I’ve beaten down literally SCORES of guys like this, usually just ’cause they were arrogant, stupid and got in my way- a common thing nowadays- two weeks ago, actually- was cause I’d “cut them off” or something. I drive a minivan and am an “honor student” looking at a free ride through grad skool at U Chicago. I look pretty fucking mainstream, tho a mite scruffy, the occassional shirt advertising some old hardcore band from my early eighties youth. But that didn’t stop me from damaging three wifebeater wearing wiggers with ubiquitous shaved heads, bad tats, wallet chains (one with scary goatee) and taking the pistol from, (and breaking the arm of) the one who eventually tried pulling the semi-auto .25 (HA! BB GuN, anyone?) on me… cause I’d laughed at their attempt to pull up beside me and intimidate me. I smiled and invited them to a side street. I left the little Brandons there, nursing various injuries, and said “I hope this teaches you something”.
You can’t judge a book by its cover- unless that book is advertising. Dudes with this guys “cover” are all the same, and should be immediately jailed for a few years before they do something truly dumb, like actually shoot someone over being “dissed, yo”.
Hey. Bitch. You make me laugh. I don’t CARE enough to “dis” (snicker) you. You know the way *you* at the worldly age of 24, look at “shorties’ (snicker) below the age of ten? That’s what I see when I see you.
TK
6’2″, 245. benches 370. Age 37. Has had sex with more women (over 400) and fewer men- all punks like you I turned out ’cause I wanted hand jobs, foot massages and hated cleaning my own house- (5- all in prison) than you ever will.
March 14th, 2006 at 11:13 am
cool is over rated but taking pictures of yourself carrying guns?
where can i sign up for this “satans disiples” group? I know i would fit in soo well, or most likly get shot at the door for not having proper scary attire!
March 14th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
If you are going to make fun of someone get the facts straight. An AR-15 is not an assault rifle, it is a semi-auto. And Kevlar alone isn’t going to stop that .223 round. Also, if you are scared of someone because he is holding a couple of guns (probably airsoft) I feel sorry for you. Like someone said before, you don;t eben know him…
-Some “gun nut” tired of idiots spreading stupid shit around.
March 15th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
“SD”?? “satan diciples” ..please, im a satanist , a true satanist, i belong to the church of satan and beleave me when i tell you we look ALOT of this poser trying to use our name in their stupid hobbies (like taking picture of yourself with guns).
this people know nothing about Satan or satanism for that matter …au contraire,this people are affraid of god and wouldnt doubth twice to pray when a problems comes along.
we recognice this kind of poser from milles away, and this “satan diciples” is one of those.
JAMES: never mind looking for “SD” is probably product of his miserable imagination
hail satan!
March 16th, 2006 at 3:29 am
Satan’s Disciples is a gang that was made in Chicago, ya dumb fuck. And Satanism’s dead; it died when ASL died and the Black House was demolished. So you belong to the Church of Satan; let me give you applause for following a dead religion so you could look rebelious. I’ve read the words of Dr. LaVey; while a lot of what he says is very intelligent, the other 85% is BULLSHIT. Satan is not the energy around us that guides us while we live in a world with no god, scratch that, a god that doesn’t care (as he changed what his meaning of “God” was in Satan Speaks). Don’t come in here trying to act like you know what’s what without knowing the other may as well and then some.
Yankee Rose, bitch.
March 17th, 2006 at 5:37 am
ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 17th, 2006 at 8:22 am
Quote SD:
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
“SD�? “satan diciples†..please, im a satanist , a true satanist, i belong to the church of satan and beleave me when i tell you we look ALOT of this poser trying to use our name in their stupid hobbies (like taking picture of yourself with guns).
this people know nothing about Satan or satanism for that matter …au contraire,this people are affraid of god and wouldnt doubth twice to pray when a problems comes along.
we recognice this kind of poser from milles away, and this “satan diciples†is one of those.
JAMES: never mind looking for “SD†is probably product of his miserable imagination
hail satan!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I have seen alot of stupid sh1t online but this tops it, and if you can spot some one from miles away, you think you could spot how to spell it. Fucking moron, I know alot of people always say they want to meet the idiot they met online to beat there ass, shit I would pay for your gas, and travel to you.
fo sho
May 11th, 2006 at 11:35 am
Kim…
Looks like your page was heavily hit by spam…
September 4th, 2006 at 9:58 am
All ‘satanists’ are just a bunch of pussies anyway. they claim they just want to be different, when in reality they are all the same stupid childish kids.