Daily Worst: Tammy (from Guiding Light)
So somehow I stumbled upon this whole dark underworld of daytime TV characters recreated in goofy MySpace profiles, and this is how I found the audacious Tammy, today’s Daily Worst. I don’t watch much daytime TV, mainly because I get sucked in too easily and end up quietly weeping all afternoon.
But after Googling “Tammy Winslow” I figured out who this b*tch is. Apparently, all the hot talk is about her character banging her own cousin, the meaty Keanu Reeves lookalike, Johnathan Randall. I don’t know much beyond that, but I do know that Tammy has the quintessential Chick Profile: gaudy, pink, transparent and lots of flashy things.
It feels like death by a thousand cuts for your tender little eyeballs. And look, transparency just makes things harder to read, you stupid, stupid, stupid people.
Hey, can I just take a moment to talk sh*t on daytime TV? Thanks.
Look, imagine what you fat-asses could get accomplished if you weren’t sitting around worrying about who Dr. Bob banged in a secret magma chamber before rescuing his reincarnated wife from Madagascan banditos who had cancer but are now cured. Who cares which nice girl has turned bad has turned good has secretly turned bad again and is f**king her grandmother’s cabana boy in between sessions of smack dealing and crack smoking?
Yes, you f**kers could, like, work. Or at least keep your chubby, under-disciplined, attention-deficient kids from sticking their fingers in electrical sockets.
Just look at the nonsense on Tammy’s dossier, for example:
Crimes committed:
Arrested and jailed for shoplifting Cassie Layne Winslow’s engagement ring from a jeweler [September 12, 2002]
Helped Marina Cooper obtain a fake I.D [October 11, 2002]
Arrest for grand theft auto (charges dropped) [May 15, 2003]
Arrested for trespassing on private property (charges dropped) [October 16th, 2003]
Arrested for arson (charges dropped) [December 27, 2005]
Soap fan person thingy
Geez. College interns just ain’t what they used to be. But, whew, luckily all those charges got dropped! I also enjoyed reading the “Brief Character History” section, if by “brief” they meant “eight printed pages”.
I really have to hand it to soap writers. They consistently scrape the bottoms of their brains for dead cells and crack resin to create this crap and manage to keep their jobs. Hell, they probably win awards.
Don’t miss the fan comments - if you can read them. My favorite commenter is this psychotic NASCAR … person. Might just be my next Worst right there!
Conclusion and Suggestions
Tammy, you’re an incestuous little college slut. The profile is a great example of how to suck at MySpace. Leave it as-is.
Soap fans, please continue leeching off the rest of us because I always need people to make fun of. Thanks.
March 13th, 2006 at 2:17 pm
I especially love the nascar fan and her symbolic “jesus take the wheel” video that is still ringing in my head like a migrane that wont stop. Its kinda funny having a song about people just letting go of steering wheels while driving and a page thats plastered with nascar, i wonder what kind of a driver “it” is.
March 14th, 2006 at 10:58 am
hilarious! enough said…
April 3rd, 2006 at 5:48 pm
You didn’t mention the irritating overuse of exclamation points.
July 6th, 2006 at 10:29 am
Okay, I just went to her profile, and even though it’s July 6th, her background image is Easter eggs!