Daily Worst: SEXYREDMAMI951
Today, we might have a candidate for the Worst of MySpace Hall of Fame. It’s quite possibly one of the most hideously retarded pieces of design ever seen, and no, I’m not talking about the Pontiac Aztek. I’m talking about SEXYREDMAMI951!
You can’t read what you can’t see
First, SEXYRED manages to weave not one, but two hideous background images into her profile, thereby rendering all text almost completely illegible, cleverly using using both some leopard skin and some goddamn monkeys and sh*t.
Look, f**kers: if your page is hard to read, your page is hard to read. If you can’t read it, other people can’t either. It’s not rocket science. You aren’t special and nobody wants to perform the equivalent of furiously scrubbing their eyeballs with a cheese grater to read the inane drivel about your carbon-copy of a life.
And riddle me this: Why do you think that every book in the entire world is printed in black text on white paper? Do you think maybe they’re on to something?
Why did cavemen write with charcoal on a big blank granite wall? Gee, did the cavemen understand something that you don’t?
That’s right. Cavemen – cavemen! – had a better concept of readability than probably 60% of people on MySpace, and most certainly SEXYRED. [I feel a parody Geico commercial brewing.]
Oh, and take a wild guess at what happened to the caveman that tried to draw on the side of a cheetah. That’s right – it’s called natural selection.
Other elements
SEXYRED has many of the required elements for complete suckage, including grainy self portraits of her (and only her) in skank-ass poses in what appears to be a dungeon or maybe that pit in The Silence of the Lambs
What about advanced mangling of the English language? Check!
Using sophisticated forensic investigation tools, I managed to extract this from SEXYRED’s About Me:
YEAHHHH WUZ REAL!?i’M HERE ON THIS PUNK ASS SITE BORED AS USSUAL IN GAY RIVERSIDE BLAH BLAH BAH HA MAYNE IT SUCK HERE HAHA HA.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DUN ASK MON I HAF A MAN K?iF YOU ONE OF THOSE HOEZ OR ONE OF THEM FAG HOE FACED NI99AZ DON’T GIMIE A MESSAGE PLEASE DON’T AND YES I KNOW IT’S TOO MANY HOE CAKEZ HURR LOL YYYOOOINKKKKK….
Charming! And to think, someone will probably make babies with her one day.
It also looks like she fell face-first into her keyboard right at the end there. Someone should check to see that she’s ok.
Conclusions and Suggestions
After seeing this, I really do now believe that The Terrorists™ are behind an evil plot to use MySpace to drive Americans MOTHER F**KING CRAZY. I mean, people have to really try hard to be this terrible.
And if I’m wrong about The Terrorists™, this is a perfect reason why there should be a license to use the Internet.
SEXYRED, if you’re being held hostage, give us a signal. We’ll rescue you from The Terrorists™ and let you restore your page to something sane.
If you’re not, try just deleting your profile. And not creating a new one. Ever.
March 27th, 2006 at 10:39 am
That is a F***ed up myspace site.
I love reading your site. Keep the idiots in check.
March 27th, 2006 at 11:27 am
bahahahah! this bytch looks like wesley snipes with a wig on. Judging by the quality of her writing she/he is also a very talented wordsmith. Why do these insipid shyts literally try to spell incorrectly in a feeble attempt to mimmick ebonics? I’ve seen few things more ignorant. What do they expect? “wow, you type just like nelly talks!!!#@#$ OMG!!!” Real fuggin’ impressive you stupid whorre. I bet the cashier at walmart is really impressed by the way you talk when youre explaining why you want to return your nascar hat and size 48 spandex pants.
March 27th, 2006 at 11:54 am
hahahhaa…forensic investigation tools. /dies
she’d like to meet someone that is easy to get along. well, that shouldn’t be a problem considering the only imbecile that is going to able to tolerate her company is drooling in a bucket somewhere.
i wonder how many wild animals have been pulled out of her headnest by a crane?
she takes the word “beat” to a whole new level.
congrats ya fzcking dolt
March 27th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
I just had a fucking anuerism and I only looked at it for about 4 seconds.
March 27th, 2006 at 5:56 pm
OK..when I first looked at her piece of garbage profile I though…she likes to show her clevage(what a tease) and that she is obsessed with leopards…I’m staying the f*** away from that chick!
March 28th, 2006 at 3:52 am
Anyone up for a safari? I’ve got the equipment ready to take down some big game….
March 29th, 2006 at 7:20 am
Wow. That website really blows a$$. Fuc*in hurt my eyes.
March 30th, 2006 at 7:44 am
Wow. Thanks. I’m blind now.
March 30th, 2006 at 3:32 pm
Check out her friend “afrosensual”…..his site is riddled with bad x rated cartoon images, his “stable”, what looks to be gay afro-erotica and..of course…picture of his kids.
March 30th, 2006 at 9:27 pm
Now, come on people – she did win a “MySpace Hottie Award…”
March 31st, 2006 at 9:52 pm
That was absolutely seizurific.
My favorite pic of her is the first one. You know, the one where she is topless in the bathroom, right next to the toilet and pouting her pretty little face. Good stuff, good stuff.
April 1st, 2006 at 10:19 am
I really f*ck!ng hate it when people on Myspace stretch the page like she did, it’s some f*ck!ng retarded sh!t.
April 1st, 2006 at 2:08 pm
i am amused… and i have a headache now.
April 2nd, 2006 at 3:45 pm
Jesus Christ. That’s as seizure-riffic as Pokemon.
April 3rd, 2006 at 1:57 am
hey guess what i bet you people are all white people LOL which i have no hate in my blood what so ever.Myspace is for fun and amusement, but unlike you people you all have nothing better to do.so have fun being “My Space Loners”
April 3rd, 2006 at 2:09 am
OUCH!!!
April 3rd, 2006 at 2:20 am
Hey, I can’t speak for all the other whities here, but Black people love me.
April 3rd, 2006 at 7:41 am
“but unlike you people you all have nothing better to do.”
what is that sentence even supposed to mean? Do you even know? You probably shouldve at least finished out the 5th grade before dropping out to give handjobs to japanese business men. I bet i could take a dump in a paper bag, label it “MaxwellL20″, and nobody would know the difference…not even your parents, who probably hate you anyway.
April 3rd, 2006 at 8:29 am
She’s since changed her background to the Red Gold and Green, with a black fist clutching onto barbed wwire (OK, you’re black, we get it already, you are American however and not African)
She still has red text which goes oh so nicely with the red part of her background image!
Oh and Maxwell20 voice of the oppressed, while I can’t speak for any of the other commenters, Mr Mtz and nyself are NOT hating because she’s black, we’re hating because she used an appalling background image that rendered her profile completely unreadable… and Ali G is a fictional character played by an English Jew – the joke of which that his catchphrase “iz it becoz i iz blak?” was being said by a man who is not black, a faux gangsta.
Using someone’s skin colour to excuse them of something is more racist than anything the KKK could come up with, it’s disgusting. Skin colour is not an excuse. Cry somewhere else.
April 3rd, 2006 at 11:24 am
Ahahaha, she’s changed her About Me:
“AFRICA DON’T FORGET WHERE YOU’RE FROM!
MY SPACE IS FOR FUN….NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY SO,HATING IS NOT SUCH A SMART OR RELEVANT THING TO DO..BE SMART GROW UP STAY IN SCHOOL.MAKING A MY SPACE PAGE ISN’T VERY IMPORTANT TO ME ! *FUCC THE HATERS,H03S,AND PIES*
oOoH AND PEOPLE TAKE A LOOK AT MY —>BLACK CHIHUAHUA
April 3rd, 2006 at 1:46 pm
Do you think she had a look at this site?
April 14th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
I wanna add a few more skanky profiles to the list you should post these here I swear!:
This little girl needs to keep her legs closed and stop thinking she’s black!
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=42982568
Her Pictures. She’s only 16!:
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=42982568&MyToken=0350c3bc-f0f5-4414-8eb0-38bac2a29096
She says she’s a dancer for her occupation, Yeah the fuck right! Who would pay for that fishy smelling sh*t? She tries to be all gothic at times. LOL
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=18795804
Her Pics:
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=18795804&MyToken=96bac37a-df99-40b5-8029-96ac271ca7d7
Her Name: ~~Be jealous, be very jealous
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=57741502
What exactly are we supposed to be jealous of? Hmmmmmmm?
General:
My favorite thing to do is DANCE. I love goin to clubs, lookin FLY as FUCK of course, wit my DOWN ASS BYTCHES. I love to shake my $$MONEY$$ maker, BYTCHES QUIT HATIN.
Ok.
Who I’d like to meet:
BOW WOW ~~You jus don’t kno Bow Wow that I will fuck the shit out of you. Man I don’t even think you could handle me, I would put it on you.
MARIAH CAREY ~~You r my idol gurl. I love your voice and your songs. I’ve been a fan since bad n the day. You are also a very beautiful woman.
DEM FRANCHIZE BOYZ ~~Man I would ack a fool on a video shoot wit yaw. I gotta give it to yaw, yaw official…dat deal, some hustlin ass niggas. Man I be n the club leanin all the time—ya feel me.
BILL CLINTON ~~You would be the cooliest person n da world to chill wit dude, you are so…so…human! Jus like a nigga, I promise you black. Tell dem peoples to quit hatin on you. Shake em off ya.
April 14th, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Wow Amy, I sense some major female jealousy in that post. What entertainment there is in this whole string. Gotta love it.
April 14th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Amy that was funny as hell especially the top one. That girl is gonna make some Welfare babies some day if she already doesn’t have any.
April 14th, 2006 at 11:18 pm
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=42982568
This one is disgusting. She looks like a prostitute pig! Not how a 16 year old should look.
April 15th, 2006 at 6:03 am
That 16 year old hasn’t a clue. She’s trying to appear all grown up when really she just looks like a fool, she’s the type of girl who when being referred to as a slut by an older man invariably repsond with “paedophile” despite…
[1] She’s 16 and therefore legal under British law (althouygh not under the law of Ohio I do believe)
[2] She is voluntarily posting slutty pictures of herself in order to attract atention to herself as a sex object. The 20 year old Gothic lass isn’t too bad but “b jelis b vry jelis…?” when women see this as success it’s little wonder that men get so depressed. Emmeline Pankhurst spisn in her grave while Germaine Greer signs up for Celebrity Love Island.
April 16th, 2006 at 6:46 pm
Ew. That’s…wrong..
And she looks like an ape.
April 17th, 2006 at 8:53 am
an ape that got smashed in the face with a pillow case full of door knobs.
June 1st, 2006 at 1:14 pm
man i am new to this site but it is the funniest thing ever!!!
At least this chick is legitimately black. Oh wait, not legitimately blackell
because she doesn’t get it apparently. Dr Goldblat you are the funniest person ever!!!
Everyone tell these sleazy black and white girls they need to listen to much more
Ice Cube!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cheers
rich
July 26th, 2006 at 3:50 am
People who type in the exact dialect that they speak piss me off.
You don’t need to literally type out the word “mayne” and “wuz”. You already can’t say the goddamn word, at least have the dignity to spell it correctly.
Anyways, I’m loving these articles. They’re hilarious. =]
July 27th, 2006 at 11:00 am
she changed her page..but its was like reading crytic codes in her comment section..it seems so much harder to mangle up the english language like that,then to just type the actual word…
October 17th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
this is 2 funny…..i luv it!!
October 17th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
& when i said i luv it i was talking about this forum not her page LOL
December 24th, 2006 at 6:58 am
you can read it now though……..do you tell all the people you criticize about what you have written?? because I am wondering why you aren’t dead and mounted on someone’s door yet. most of the people you write about seem to be perfectly willing to come after you with chainsaws