Daily Worst: Mark
[Fresh back from a trip. Sorry for the lag. Actually, I'm just lazy.]
Do you know a dude that’s doomed to never have sex without resorting to force, prostitution or bestiality?
Sure, we all do. They’re the kind of pathetic losers that even the Fab Five wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot rubber penis.
This guy’s profile is like a recipe of How to Not F*ck. First of all, he looks like some kind of forest-dwelling Grizzly Adams psycho motherf*cker. Unless you’re looking to mate with a bear, you need to shave your face, buddy. There are few women in the world that will make sweet love to a mound of fur, and those women are probably not straight.
Let’s run down the list:
About me: I’m just a fun loving guy looking for a good time.
And that friendly barbed-wire background image tells us so.
Next, under Interests:
General: Lately I’ve been gardening. I think it’s pretty fun, and definatley worthwhile.
You know, gardening is fun and everything — hey, even I have a garden — but you have to round that out with something a little edgier, like “drinking”, “fighting”, “making sweet love in my T-Bird” or “slaying the enemies of America with my bare hands.”
Chicks crave excitement, you know. A boring boyfriend is like a free license for women to create drama. Am I wrong, ladies?
Music: I’m really into bluegrass.
Check minus. I guarantee you that those blond, overinflated-boob bimbos on your profile do not like bluegrass. That is the type of woman you’re looking for, correct? Not a toothless swamp hag, right?
Movies: “Adult Films”, if you catch my drift.
No, it doesn’t. It makes you look
like a psycho.
Ha, I sure do “catch your drift”, Mr. Clever! Nudge, nudge! Wink wink!
CHECK MINUS, ASSHOLE. Don’t reveal your porn addiction until at least three months into the relationship — unless she reveals her’s first.
Books: I’m not really into reading.
Certainly lack of education will be your one redeeming quality. You might be a porn-addicted ManBear, but at least you ain’t no Smarty McSmartypants!
Income: Less than $30,000
Who couldn’t love a broke, overweight, porn-addicted, gardening, illiterate Captain Caveman lookalike? (If people read “How to Not Suck at MySpace“, they’d understand why listing your income is retarded.)
I’m trying to find someone I can have a long term realtionship with.
I really must tell you, amigo: Good luck.
Luck may not be enough.
You know, Bill Gates wrote a book on how to score chicks, called “Everything I Know About Scoring Chicks.” It’s one page long — technically, I’m violating copyright law by publishing its entire contents here, but that’s the kind of Internet maverick I am — and it reads “Get rich.”