Daily Worst: Mark
[Fresh back from a trip. Sorry for the lag. Actually, I’m just lazy.]
Do you know a dude that’s doomed to never have sex without resorting to force, prostitution or bestiality?
Sure, we all do. They’re the kind of pathetic losers that even the Fab Five wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot rubber penis.
Today’s Worst, Mark, was a lucky snag right out of Cool New People (thanks Tom).
This guy’s profile is like a recipe of How to Not F*ck. First of all, he looks like some kind of forest-dwelling Grizzly Adams psycho motherf*cker. Unless you’re looking to mate with a bear, you need to shave your face, buddy. There are few women in the world that will make sweet love to a mound of fur, and those women are probably not straight.
Let’s run down the list:
About me: I’m just a fun loving guy looking for a good time.
And that friendly barbed-wire background image tells us so.
Next, under Interests:
General: Lately I’ve been gardening. I think it’s pretty fun, and definatley worthwhile.
You know, gardening is fun and everything — hey, even I have a garden — but you have to round that out with something a little edgier, like “drinking”, “fighting”, “making sweet love in my T-Bird” or “slaying the enemies of America with my bare hands.”
Chicks crave excitement, you know. A boring boyfriend is like a free license for women to create drama. Am I wrong, ladies?
Next:
Music: I’m really into bluegrass.
Check minus. I guarantee you that those blond, overinflated-boob bimbos on your profile do not like bluegrass. That is the type of woman you’re looking for, correct? Not a toothless swamp hag, right?
And:
Movies: “Adult Films”, if you catch my drift.
No, it doesn’t. It makes you look
like a psycho.
Ha, I sure do “catch your drift”, Mr. Clever! Nudge, nudge! Wink wink!
CHECK MINUS, ASSHOLE. Don’t reveal your porn addiction until at least three months into the relationship — unless she reveals her’s first.
More:
Books: I’m not really into reading.
Certainly lack of education will be your one redeeming quality. You might be a porn-addicted ManBear, but at least you ain’t no Smarty McSmartypants!
Still:
Income: Less than $30,000
Who couldn’t love a broke, overweight, porn-addicted, gardening, illiterate Captain Caveman lookalike? (If people read “How to Not Suck at MySpace“, they’d understand why listing your income is retarded.)
CHECK MINUS.
Finally:
I’m trying to find someone I can have a long term realtionship with.
I really must tell you, amigo: Good luck.
Analysis
Luck may not be enough.
You know, Bill Gates wrote a book on how to score chicks, called “Everything I Know About Scoring Chicks.” It’s one page long — technically, I’m violating copyright law by publishing its entire contents here, but that’s the kind of Internet maverick I am — and it reads “Get rich.”
May 9th, 2006 at 5:03 am
I just love you.
May 9th, 2006 at 5:38 am
Mark seems like a really fun guy, so I hope he accepts my friend request. I am not a blonde bimbo with fake ****, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed
May 9th, 2006 at 6:09 am
Im really suprised that I didnt find “making furniture out of human skin” in his general interests. Other than that we’ve got porn (absurd amounts im sure), bluegrass, and gardening - sasquatch up there seems like a pretty well rounded individual to me. Combine all three and youve got one fine saturday night on your hands.
And, ladies, if you ever meet a guy who can only describe himself as “a fun loving guy looking for a good time” what he is really saying is “how much fer a suck off?”
May 9th, 2006 at 10:40 am
Well,at least we didn’t go all crazy with the HTML graphics.
May 9th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
This is why news reports MYSPACE for pedifiles.
RINGGGG!
May 9th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
What’s a ‘pedifile’?
Ok, so then it’s wrong for me to admit that I like porn too?? Damn, I need to polish up on interests before I wind up single for life….
And I’d rather get my cl!t pierced with a coat hanger than have that grizzy’s hands on me.
May 10th, 2006 at 4:52 am
I don’t get it. He keeps adding new chicks that he obviously doesn’t have a chance in hell with, yet he rejects my good hearted offer to be his “friend.”
May 10th, 2006 at 8:03 am
It’s not wrong to admit you like porn, especially if you are a female. In fact, that would be music to most men’s ears. However, just offering up information about your porn addiction to any stranger that wants to listen or read might be considered a tad odd. It’s one thing if you watch porn, but it’s another if you watch NOTHING BUT porn. I mean, think of all the episodes of Designing Women and Full House that he’s missing out on.
I bet you are fantasizing right now about ol’ mark soaking his beard in sensual oils from the orient and massaging the entirety of your body with wreckless abandon.
May 10th, 2006 at 9:19 am
Yeah, my nickname just screams sanity.
Liking porn, and actually bothering to watch it much at all are a tad different
Now the ‘massaging the entirety of your body with wreckless abandon’ is a great thought, but dear god did you have to add the grizzly to that line?!
May 10th, 2006 at 4:29 pm
And of course, the fact that this present day Yosemite Sam is Hindu can’t be overlooked.
May 11th, 2006 at 9:21 am
I’m sure their are those who say this site is baseless and a banal waste of existence…but clearly it shows the effects of the education-langage relationship. (If that sounded odd, do forgive, I just finished a Philosophy Final at 8 in the bloody morning) In short, this only affirms my belieif in the power of education, and moreover, the symbolic identity of language
May 11th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
and how fun it is to make fun of fat people
May 11th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
Chi, if your Philosophy final has marks for spelling and grammar, you better hope you answered the all the questions right…
There was no question mark in that sentence Dr, am I to assume that was a statement?
May 12th, 2006 at 7:47 am
of course it was, that is another lesson people should take away from this site. Plus it really is great fun. Im fat and i wake up at least a half hour early every day so i can just stand in front of the mirror naked and make fun of myself. Then I just laugh and laugh. Then I vomit.
May 12th, 2006 at 3:54 pm
hehe, you’re a sicko.
May 13th, 2006 at 10:11 am
Is it me, or does he look like a pedo.
May 13th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
hahahaha, funny but incorrect. I’m not sick, I’m just an idiot.
May 13th, 2006 at 8:31 pm
Fine then, a bloody hilarious idiot
May 16th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
He looks like Woodpile Jim from the poop shed.
May 17th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
/\–what the hell does that even mean?
May 26th, 2006 at 9:20 am
This guy has got to fit some kind of FBI criminal profile. He has to have someone locked in his basment or something.
May 26th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
Ok Dr, just for you, I did a google search on woodpile jim, and boy do I regret it ugh.
It’s some fat, old, horrid, scratchy, country-western screechin singer (ok if you can call that **** singing).
Never again, not ever… damn
June 2nd, 2006 at 3:50 pm
HAHAHA!!! I’m suprised he hasn’t yet caved into befriending the 14 year old whores. . .they might be stupid enough to let him pound them out.
June 6th, 2006 at 7:55 am
i feel quite sorry for that dude. i mean, how much more of a loser can you get? The only thing i dont understand is why hes put all this **** on his my space? does he think hes impressing someone??
June 10th, 2006 at 4:49 pm
Who the hell are you to talk about my brother like that?
Just because our family comes from the south and we are overweight by nature does
that make us bad people?
Your the psycho you son of a *****.
June 13th, 2006 at 5:52 am
I am his mother!! Why do you talk this bad about him? He is a beautiful guy!
Mail me and I’ll give some of you my number!
Bye
June 14th, 2006 at 2:25 am
Hello, this is his beard. I **** you not, if he does not cut me soon, I will do the job MYSELF! I know, I know–that would be beardicide, but he’s really leaving me no other choice! It’s bad enough that he traps chaw juice in me, but I swear— if I get raked over one more underage bosom, I swear I’ll- well, what can I do, anyway. I’m just a beard. ****.
June 22nd, 2006 at 1:13 pm
You guys should take it easy. Imagine what this guy goes through every time he tries to eat a bowl of Fruit Loops!
June 22nd, 2006 at 8:01 pm
^^^ I suppose spaghetti is a challenge too.
June 22nd, 2006 at 9:03 pm
I wonder if he’s ever gone camping… and when he woke up, a racoon was nesting in his beard?
Thinking of this guy camping brought a funny image to mind:
Imagine this guy sitting crosslegged under a bedsheet pinned to some kithen chairs in his living room, shining a flashlight on the “tent” and whispering, “Get under here, the bear’s gonna getcha!”
June 22nd, 2006 at 9:03 pm
Oh, I forgot to mention he’s wearing feetsie PJs.
August 11th, 2006 at 8:14 am
I can’t type anything to demonstrate how hard I laughed at that image. Well said.
August 31st, 2006 at 7:54 pm
fing funny
September 20th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
oh good god
what makes me laugh is the pathetic captions under the pictures
‘my webcam dosn’t work very well’
…well don’t ****** tell us love
oh! it gets better
‘In My Favorite Shirt, Lookin’ Like A Stud.’
nah mate.
……what gave you that idea
i find the last one the creepiest
‘Beautiful Spring Day.’
with a picture of him looking like a muderer.
what amazes me is the fact that HE HASN’T DELETED HIS ACCOUNT
*sighs*
October 17th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
This is HILARIOUS! Your comments made my day.
Gee, I wish I was on his top eight. Wait, he only HAS eight friends. He basically told his life in a nutshell. He sits and watches pornography. He lives alone, MAYBE even with his mother.
October 17th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
I also find it remotely funny that he is unsure of his sexual orientation. Man, the life of being a 33 year old nutcase. Actually, the more you look at his profile, the more you start to just reflect and pity him.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:52 am
Also funny is one of his friends is peta2.com who is friends with Vegan Vampire.
January 20th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
I LOVE IT…