“Dude, where the f*ck are you?”
“Dude, where did you go?”
“Dude, your site makes me lmao! Come back! lololololololol!!!!1111oneoneone”
“Dude, I hate you and I hope you’re dead. Don’t RIP. May demons eternally feast on your flesh in Hell.”
I’ve been reading these and many other cheerful comments since I went into hibernation four months ago. Jesus! Four months? It was supposed to just be a quick, post-masturbation nap. Egh.
Just kidding - I’ve never touched myself in that way*. Actually, I’ve been doing an experiment.
See, I’ve been hearing hear Dane Cook and other celebrity MySpace whores who think they’re the hottest shit since the Cleveland Steamer (but really aren’t) constantly dropping the number of unanswered MySpace messages and friend requests they have in interviews and such:
Oh, yeah, man. My fans are great. My fans are awesome. I use MySpace to CONNECT with them. It’s really great. I have over 1.5 million unanswered messages. It’s really great. [makes GOOFY FACE & METAL SIGN]
Yeah Dane, you’re awesome.
Anyway, I’ve been on a quest for the last four months; an in-depth investigation into the psyche of the Internet-based egomaniac, building up unanswered friend requests and messages into the tens - maybe twenties - in order to better understand those who believe that unanswered messages are a valid measurement of their talent.
I haven’t left you, dear readers. Nay, I have been sacrificing for you, building up knowledge, skillz and mana to better attack those who have attacked us, with their vile MySpace pages slathered in eyeball-hating venom of raucous colors, aggravating animations and that James Blunt song.
Worst is back in efizzect. Until my next nap.
* This is a lie.
February 7th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Whooo! You’re back!
February 9th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Hahaha nice. Will be waiting to hear form you again soon!
February 13th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Welcome back old friend. Your extended absence makes so much more sense after reading that you were on a quest in search of mana. I, myself, am something of a mana afficionado, boasting a collection worth well over 47,000 rupees (which only translates into roughly 1,300 space credits…but still). Now, normally, I would be more than happy to share with an individual of your calibur, however I am devoting much of my collection to a new fire spell that I am in the process of creating. Needless to say, spells of this magnitude are widely accepted as legends of old, lore spanning many centuries and generations. But my plan is to make reality and fantasy collide in one unbridled display of fire and light that could drain the hp of even the most seasoned wizard. But I digress. My point was to wish you great fortune in your quest and to provide you with a few useful pointers that may aid you in finding what you seek…
1. Despite popular belief, mana does NOT grow on trees.
2. Never accept trades from dark horsemen, cave dwellers, or talking rodents.
3. Mana comes in many shapes, sizes, forms, colors, and qualities. A good quarter sack of mana should cost you around 100 Rupees. Any less and youre probably buying some crushed up mana mixed with oregano. Any more and youre getting ripped off by the middle man.
4. Street vendors can be useful in procuring mana or information on where to locate mana, however they are never to be fully trusted.
5. Do not waste valuable mana on bullsh*t healing or defense spells. They make potions for this. Cheap potions at that.
6. Resist the urge to use your mana on ***** enlarging spells. They are tempting, I know, but spells like that come with a cost. I doubt you want to spend the rest of your life carting a wheel barrow around just so you can move your ***** from one place to another.
Beyond that I wish you the best of luck. May the Gods guide your spirit and steady your sword.
~Toodles~
February 19th, 2007 at 1:23 pm
welcome back.
February 20th, 2007 at 11:33 am
MySpace Ruins Lives Don’t let it ruin yours
March 3rd, 2007 at 5:12 pm
You’re amazing. Loving absolutely everything on the site (Although I’ve been on here so long I’ve forgotten where I found it.)
March 6th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Welcome back (sort of). Hope you’ll have more ready for real….
March 7th, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Okay so when are you going to “analyze” another person’s myspace. I’m going into withdrawels here!!?!
March 8th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
I had high hopes for a triumphant return, but it appears as if it was for nothing
November 1st, 2007 at 4:54 pm
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL!!!