How to not suck at MySpace
- Don’t use insane colors that people can’t read without burning their retinas. (We’re an exception because we’re experts, so shaddup!)
- Don’t use busy background images. For example: spaghetti, rubble, porn, etc. This makes it hard to read any text on top and pisses me off. In fact, just don’t use images for your background because you’ll undoubtedly screw it up, fool.
- Don’t list your income. I repeat: Do not list your income. I can’t believe how many people do this!
First of all, it’s just incredibly tacky. Do you walk around in a bar telling people how much you make?
Second, because:
- “Under $30,000″, and you look like a loser
- “$250,000 and higher”, and you look like a prick
- Anything else, and you’re just boring average JoeBest to just keep them guessing and make them find out what a broke-ass degenerate you are after you hit it.
- For God’s sake, don’t have the little butterflies that follow your mouse around. This was cool for about a day back in ‘97. Then it wasn’t cool, and it’s still not. Therefore, it’s not even “retro” and therefore NOT AWESOME.
- In a similar vein, animated raining hearts at the top of your page just plain suck. Welcome to 10 years ago. I think people that do this are probably the same kind that have their couches covered in vinyl, buy collector’s plates from the Franklin Mint and think it’s cute to dress their tiny dog in clothes.
- Stop posting stupid bulletins. Nobody reads your 6000-question surveys or the goofy add-on lists of the first place you got laid (ugh, I don’t even want to remember).
If you have something important or useful to announce - “I am pregnant”, “I am having a party this weekend”, “I am ending my life. Goodbye.” - then by all means, post a bulletin. Otherwise, keep the airwaves free.
- Girls, please have at least one photo of *just you*. I know it’s cute to have 15 photos of you and your 752 friends, all wasted, smiling and showing how much you all love each other sooo much! But how are we supposed to know which one is you? See, men will just assume you’re the hottest one in the photo, which you probably aren’t, and we don’t want that happening, now do we?
- Girls, nothing says “I’m overcompensating for my insecurities” like referring to yourself as a “bitch”. Ok, fine, you’re a bitch (probably not), but did it really need mentioning? Tacky tacky tacky!
- James Blunt’s song “You’re Beautiful” should be permanently banned from MySpace and outlawed in all civilized countries. There are plenty of other emotional, weepy, sentimental songs that you girls could be playing instead. Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love” comes to mind for no particular reason.
